Urge to Purge

I am not referring to bulimia but referring to my constant urges to purge the various the contents I have produced on the internet. I've deleted all my Xanga blogs, which had material spanning from 2001 to 2007. I've deleted one Facebook account only to restart another one. I've deleted hundreds of reviews on Yelp and gone incognito.  I just have a constant desire to purge whatever I put out on the internet. Oftentimes when I re-read what I have written, I think about how stupid the stuff I've written and just feel the need to delete it; I'm constantly washing myself of my dirt (or stupid writings) and attempting to start afresh, only to repeat myself over and over again. I do regret deleting a lot of the stuff I've deleted, which is why I've started blogging again. So much of my history has been erased. I would love to re-read my old Xanga entries to see how much I've changed over the years. From now on, I will resist the urge to purse and keep whatever bits of text I throw out into the cyber world. I will try to choose my words as wisely as possible but at the same time, I will not take myself too seriously. I just need to find a good balance between just throwing nonsensical noise out there and spending hours trying to compile ingenious works of art. I think part of me constantly becomes ashamed of the persona I've created online causing me to constantly attempt to recreate a better version of myself, but I need to just accept who I am with all my flaws.

Effio-Absurdity Paradox

The effio-absurdity paradox (EAP) is a term I coined while thinking about how some people consider enjoying watching football games as being absurd because it’s just a bunch of guys running around tackling each other and blah blah blah. EAP refers to the reduction of enjoyment derived from certain things due to realizing their absurdity and/or due to being unable to explain why we enjoy them. For example, one may be enjoying a game of golf only to realize that swinging a tiny ball with a stick into holes is absurd, which leads to a reduction of enjoyment of playing golf. Cynical and analytical people seem to be prone to experience EAP.

Anything can be considered absurd. People often complain about how most TV shows are shallow and mindless. Do all shows have to be full of deep meaning and be highly intellectually stimulating? Actually, so called mindless shows can lead to great intellectual stimulation if one analyzes the show in a way that leads to great insights about human behavior. But that’s beside the point. The point is we all enjoy certain activities mostly because the chemicals in our brains compel us to do pursue certain activities and humans have a tendency to defend their absurd preferences while declaring others’ preferences as absurd. EAP constricts one’s world and can lead to depression because it’s a buzz kill mindset that seeks reasons for not liking things on the basis of it being absurd, but what in life isn’t absurd?

Emotions

Emotions are tricky rascals.  They sometimes seemingly appear from nowhere while other times they appear from seeming known reasons.  They sometimes can be controlled.  Sometimes they can't.  Sometimes I don't know what emotions I'm feeling.  Sometimes the emotions I think I am feeling aren't really what I am truly feeling.   Emotions are imprecise guides for life the help guide me towards acting in certain ways that are in my best interest.  But what about people with really screwy emotions?  Or people with schizophrenia, brain damage, or other weird brain?  I have to remember that emotions are imprecise guides for life.  Knowing how faulty the brain can get, it's important for me to preserve my brain to prevent myself from experiencing faulty ideas, thoughts, and emotions that steer me towards self-destruction.  I must learn to listen to my emotions and allow them to guide me toward a prosperous and joyous life.